Snowflake ©Lesley Bown 2019
So I’m like, Mum, I gotta go up town. And she’s like ignoring me and I’m like – Mum, I really really gotta go up town, I got some serious shopping to do. And she’s like ignoring me and I’m like shouting MOTHER! Get your face outa that sudoku, you ain’t never gonna crack it and I gotta go shopping. And she’s like, Get the bus.
Bus! Bus! I don’t get no buses, right. So I go round Chelsee’s house, and we’re like watching tv news and there’s this like blown up bus and I’m like Oh my god, I coulda bin on that bus and she’s like no you never, you never even got outa bed till half past twelve, that was a early morning bus. And I’m like yeah but, it coulda happened later on and I coulda took the bus and then she’da bin sorry for not giving me that lift.
Then I’m like, Let’s go shopping Chel and she’s like, No, I’m going up the countryside. Some woman on radio says anyone can go. I’m like, No, you’re kidding me and she goes Yeah, really they got plants and sheep and stuff and anyone can go right?
Plants and sheep? Plants and sheep ain’t got no bling man, know what I mean? So I’m like, Yeah, but the Tube’s closed and I’m not going on no bus never again and what they’re saying on tv is, like, is your journey really necessary? Plus, Chel, plus where is it? Eh? Where is the countryside? And she goes, S’alright, we can get a taxi. Taxi’ll drop us off right there, plus the driver’s gonna know where it is, right?
So I’m going Listen, dummy, you don’t get no Wayne and Colleen going up no countryside, right? She’s like, Wrong, doh, he goes up football, dunnee? And football’s got grass innit?
So we’re going up the countryside to try the simple life, right, Chel’s got her mobile and we’ve got water and factor 20 and sunhats and money for the shops and she’s just doing her makeup while I phone for a taxi and guess what – no taxis. Not one.
I’m like, There’s no taxis Chel let’s go up McDonalds and she’s like, No, we’ll go round my Nan’s and get a lift. I’m like I am not going up no countryside with your Nan Chel and she’s like Get out that door girlfriend before I pushes you out.
So we’re up her Nan’s but there’s no sign of life, curtains all closed and that, I’m like Oh my god Chelsee your Nan’s only gone and snuffed it. So Chelsea’s crying and I’m banging on the door and Fatima from next door comes round with the spare key (‘cos Nan’s always losing her key) and we go inside and run up the stairs and there’s Chelsea’s Nan in bed, she’s only got Winston the paper boy in there with her and she’s like You lot can just piss off I’m getting me leg over it’s all the rage for us old birds nowadays.
So Chelsea needs a fag after that lot and I’m like, Forget the countryside, right Chel? And she’s like, No, I will not forget the countryside I have got my heart set on the countryside and I am going up the school field ‘Course we both forget there ain’t no school field no more they put a Tesco’s there instead. So we go in the Tesco and I’m like Let’s get a lamb tikka Chel, it’s a sheep innit? And she’s like, has it got any plants in it? So we get a sag alloo as well and some crisps and then we walk home and Mum’s like Give us a crisp then and I’m like What? I just had to walk all the way from Tesco and now you want a crisp? No lift no crisp, end of.